SUSSEX - Grief works through the body in waves, even for young children. As the Hamilton School District community reels after 5-year-old Finn Katona was killed in a bus accident Friday morning, parents and staff must confront the tragedy in ways that young children can understand.
Talking about the death of a peer to a young person is a tall order, but Linda Hall, executive director of the Wisconsin Office of Children's Mental Health, said it's important to allow kids to express their feelings and "follow their lead."
"It's important to talk to kids and to recognize that they have different levels of understanding about what may have happened, different levels of understanding about death," Hall said. "Encourage them to express their feelings, whatever they are, and do your best to acknowledge those feelings while remaining calm."
But much in the way grief iterates in surprising, sometimes physical ways in adults, children may also experience grief-related symptoms. It might look like a lack of concentration at school, withdrawing from school activities and social events, a waning appetite and fitful sleeps.
Here are some resources from the Office of Children's Mental Health, the Coalition to Support Grieving Students and the National Child Traumatic Stress Network.
The Coalition to Support Grieving Students is a national collaboration comprising school-based leadership organizations and mental health professionals. It offers guides for parents and staff on ways to talk to children about peer deaths: https://grievingstudents.org/module-section/talking-with-children/
The coalition also offers guidelines for ways students can support one another in their grief: https://grievingstudents.org/module-section/peer-support/
As important, the coalition has a list of things to avoid saying to students who are actively grieving. Adults should reconsider "cheering" students up, for example: https://grievingstudents.org/module-section/what-not-to-say/
Grief has sometimes been compared to living with a big ball inside you. It never shrinks, but we learn coping skills to better adjust to loss. Likewise, the coalition has ideas for how to support students over time: https://grievingstudents.org/module-section/providing-support-over-time/
During COVID-19, the state Office of Children's Mental Health released a factsheet on ways to talk about death with school-aged students. Although a different context, much of the information remains relevant.
According to the factsheet, parents and caregivers should encourage conversations about loss, listen to the child and let them talk about their feelings. Validate their experiences and help them find calm. Use routines to help establish a sense of normalcy. Pay attention to persistent feelings of depression and anxiety and seek professional help if necessary.
Schools should educate their staff about child and adolescent grief, provide supports to bereaved students, promote social emotional learning and trauma-informed strategies, and support teachers' well-being.
Communities should provide spaces and rituals for the bereaved families to gather and for others to support them. They can also create opportunities for youth to interact with other supportive adults in the community to either provide a listening ear and/or encourage play.
The state office also recommends The Child Mind Institute, which has guides, book recommendations and articles surrounding grief in young people. Search "grief" via the website childmind.org to learn more.
Sometimes, young children exhibit new or regressive behaviors in the aftermath of a traumatic event, such as the sudden death of a peer. It may come out as "bad" behavior, trouble concentrating, obsession over what happened and even physical symptoms like stomachaches.
The National Child Traumatic Stress Network has guidelines to support a variety of different behaviors and symptoms available in multiple languages.
If a student was particularly close with the child who died, they may develop childhood traumatic grief. These trauma symptoms can sometimes inhibit young people from fully expressing their bereavement. The national network has definitions, interventions and recommendations to help young people through this period.
Natalie Eilbert covers mental health issues for the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel. She welcomes story tips and feedback. You can reach her at [email protected] or view her X (Twitter) profile at @natalie_eilbert.