My husband and I (F) are both in our mid-30s, and began our hotwife/ethical nonmonogamy journey officially last year. We started inviting over men and women for a fun night after years of it just being a fantasy for us. We have also dabbled in swinging, which has also been great and we've met a lot of awesome people. I do tend to overthink sexual situations but once it gets started, I am totally fine. Everything came to a halt when we decided to go to a sex club.

I had been anxious all day but thought it would pass when we got there. I was very wrong. I ended up feeling extremely overwhelmed, not myself, and couldn't get into the fun vibes. I was surprised by my reaction to what I thought would be a super sexy and fun night. We ended up only playing with each other in an open setting and watched others but I just couldn't get out of my head. I want to go back and have a better experience but I don't know how to stop overthinking it and get over the feeling of being overwhelmed. Is this a normal reaction and how can I have a more positive experience next time? My husband was very understanding and followed my lead but I would like to try again!

Whether you go back to the sex club or not, I think listening to your feelings is crucial. What were you anxious about? What was overwhelming? Did you have expectations for yourself or for the night in general that were too intense? How was your general physical state? Did you get enough sleep the night before? Were you properly hydrated? Was there anything else stressing you out in the day or two beforehand? Ask your husband for his perspective, as well, since he might notice details or make connections that you might miss.

Once you've got that information, you're in a better place to consider what you might need to have a better experience next time. Maybe you simply had an off night. Or you could need more trips to the club where you and your husband only play together before you're comfortable including others. Or you might need to form social connections with the attendees in order to loosen up. Do you tend to get anxious before new situations like this? If so, think back on the sorts of routines you can tap into beforehand that'll put you more at ease. Take your time, and remember that the point of this whole adventure is to have fun.

Dear How to Do It,

I've been in a wonderful relationship with my partner for over a decade. We have an intense and fulfilling sexual connection. However, when I try to masturbate, I'm unable to consistently maintain an erection, even when watching or reading pornography. This is not something I experience during sex with my partner. And it's not as if I don't want to masturbate! Even if I do masturbate to orgasm, I still crave more. Have I become dependent on my partner for sexual satisfaction? I want to experience that both inside and outside of our relationship but I'm not sure how to address this.

It might be that the sex you have with your partner is so arousing, absorbing, and fulfilling that you need to step up your masturbation game if you want to find solo sex as satisfying. Take stock of how sex with your partner usually begins and proceeds. Is there a lot of teasing or foreplay? How focused is your attention? What is your attention focused on? Is there a steady build toward orgasm or more of a falling and rising pattern?

Once you've got an idea of what exactly makes sex with your partner -- aside from your partner themselves, of course -- so impactful, you can look for ways to push those same buttons on your own. If there's a lot of teasing, start softly with yourself. If there's a lot of foreplay, take your time. If you're usually very focused on your body during partnered sex but less so when you're alone, try a form of meditation -- simply drawing your attention to your breath and then throughout your body.

You might consider incorporating toys, such as masturbation sleeves or prostate stimulators, or exploring the use of different textures that can be rubbed or brushed across your skin. The latter can be as simple as incorporating a handkerchief or other soft piece of fabric. And since porn isn't seeming to do the trick at this time in your life, you might try generating your own fantasies or reminiscing about previous romps.

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Dear How to Do It,

I fell into a very long pattern of having sex with my husband so he'd stop bugging me to have sex. He's horny every day (even with masturbation) and in the best of times, I maybe have the desire once or twice a month. Because I turned it into a chore, I don't enjoy it, which makes me not want to do it. Lather, rinse, repeat. I'm 41 and just want to enjoy sex without it feeling like a chore or work. We've been together for a little over 12 years and this has been the dynamic for most of our relationship. He's more than willing to put in the work to satisfy me, so this isn't totally a case of a self-absorbed guy ignoring a woman's needs. But he just doesn't understand that I don't want sex as much as he does and takes every declined offer personally.

I don't know of a way to turn sex you don't want to have into something that doesn't feel like a chore. I think your best option here is to make it clear to your husband that you're only interested in sex a couple of times a month, and that your way of coping with the desire discrepancy in your relationship has resulted in boredom, resentment, and other negative feelings. Yes, interrupting a 12-year dynamic is a lot of work. But if having multiple conversations about this has the potential to improve your situation, it seems worth it.

Be extremely direct, and communicate that while you love him and do find him attractive, you simply don't have nearly the amount of desire that he has. Tell him that you've been having sex that you don't want to have. Then give him time to process what you've said -- it's a big revelation and it sounds like he's oblivious to your position. If he still isn't getting the message, I'd involve a marriage counselor or sex therapist. Psychology Today and the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists both have extensive directories to help you with your search.

-- Jessica

This last year I've been single for the first time in my adulthood essentially (I'm a 30-year-old mostly straight/kind of bi woman). I'm back on dating apps and seem to have luck connecting with people. Although I have barely any experience casually dating, it's something I want to experience. The thing is, I have what feels like a real problem concerning hookups.